by Libby | Sep 9, 2022 | EverMore Mindset, Marriage Hacks
by Libby DuPont
It’s back to school season, so we’re busy getting kids acclimated to new routines. But let’s face it: isn’t every season busy? It’s easy to trick ourselves into thinking that we will spend quality time with our spouse once things slow down. But, when exactly will that be? The truth is, that great majority of our marriages will be spent in the day-to-day stressors, the ordinary business of life. If we aren’t intentional about making time for one another now while things are busy, we will be strangers by the time they “settle down.”
This is not meant to add to our already-too-long to-do list, or to make ourselves feel guilty about dropping the ball on another thing. Spending time with our spouses is as important as eating, sleeping and showering. Just because we don’t always get the amount or quality of these things doesn’t mean we give up on them entirely! Here’s a few ideas for connecting in the midst of the craziness:
- Once a week, choose an errand to run together. This provides time to chat and lets the person who normally doesn’t do that task a window into the other spouse’s reality.
- Do a chore together. Similar to the last suggestion, this provides an opportunity to turn cleaning, yard work or folding laundry into a chance to spend time together.
- Get up or go to bed at the same time. Then, add 10-15 minutes of snuggling, sharing feelings and/or prayer to that routine. Since you do these every day, it’s an easy way to form a habit of connection.
- Create a “Welcome Home” ritual. Even 5-10 minutes of undivided attention at the end of a long workday can do wonders!
- Share a book or podcast. Even if you can’t listen or read at the same time, taking in the same story or information can be great material for discussion later when you do have time, and will turn your thoughts toward your spouse throughout the day.
- Embrace the “micro-date”. Not every date needs to be a romantic weekend away! Go for a walk around the block while the kids clean up dinner. Grab take-out and enjoy it on a blanket at the park during a kid’s practice. Grab flowers for her and spend 2 minutes affirming her beauty. Rub his shoulders while you nag the children to finish eating dinner. Hold hands in the parking lot.
- Put each other on the schedule. We schedule what’s important: doctor appointments, mortgage payments, oil changes– and our marriages are far more precious! Decide together how often you want spend dedicated time together and put it on the calendar. If you can manage the childcare, try for an annual weekend retreat and monthly date night (at home or out). Then don’t feel guilty for sticking to your plan!
Ultimately, we want the time we spend together to be the fuel that keeps us going on our most stressful days. So let’s get to it!
Ready to book some intentional time with your love? Find a Weekend Immersion or Skills Course near you!
by Libby | Jul 12, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, Marriage Hacks
by Ron & Kathy Feher
Summer love stories aren’t just for movies, songs and teenagers! Being in love is not a phase we are meant to grow out of, but to grow ever more into. In this second part, we talk about 5 MORE ways to fall in love all over again with your spouse… in a way that will last all year!
6. Nurture the atmosphere of being “in love.”
We love a lot of people, but we are “in love” with only one. Being “in love” is what makes marriage unique and exclusive. When we prioritize nurturing the atmosphere of being in love, we are fueled for all our other responsibilities. Otherwise, marriage is too much “work.” We can “flirt” before we speak, remind ourselves of what is most attractive about the other, and reconnect with all our memories of being in love. It is more effective to pray for passion than patience.
7. Relate, don’t debate.
The issue is not the issue. “We” are the issue. When we focus on each other, we can feel emotionally connected, even in areas where we are conflicted, if we suspend judgments and opinions and simply describe the emotions we are feeling. We can encourage the other to relate to a time when they may have felt the same way. Describing our feelings in writing can help us to get in touch with more than we would share just by speaking.
8. Never go to be angry.
Anger can replay in our minds and cause more distance and hurt than the original offense. Learning to reconcile hurts promptly and well can actually bring a couple closer than before the incident. The experience can teach us how to love the other better and help us grow in humility and sensitivity. Love means saying more than just, “I’m sorry.” It requires trust and vulnerability to say, “Will you please forgive me?” Reconciling well is a fundamental act of recommitment that strengthens the bonds of love.
9. Be a couple first.
Consider what is in the best interest of the marriage – before you parent, work, play, or relate to friends. In making decisions, consider what will absolutely advance our coupleness. That is always God’s plan for us. The truth is that nothing is more important than our marriage. Our own happiness and our children’s happiness absolutely depend on it. If we are not growing closer, we are growing apart.
10. Be a “living sign.”
Couples set the level of love in their homes and in their community. They also reveal and make manifest the passionate, intimate, permanent, and life-giving love that Christ has for the church. When a husband and wife are in love and allow that love to be visible, everyone around them and especially their children will experience God in a real and tangible way. The realization that others are depending on us motivates us not to take our love for granted or settle for just getting along. Jesus does not just “get along” with us.
If you want to learn more about any of these, join us for one of our skills courses, or one of our Weekend Immersions!
Ron and Kathy Feher, together with Fr. Chuck Gallagher, S.J, are founders of the PMRC (now EverMore in Love) and have authored all our programs. Parents of 10 children, they have been married over 50 years and have been joyfully living the insights and skills they share.
by Ron | Jun 3, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, Marriage Hacks
by Ron & Kathy Feher
Summer love stories aren’t just for movies, songs and teenagers! Being in love is not a phase we are meant to grow out of, but to grow ever more into. Here’s a few tips on how to fall in love this summer– more deeply with your spouse! (Fun fact: these tips work in the other seasons, too!)
- Approach marriage as a proactive “vocation”.
Seeing marriage as a proactive and unilateral mission to convince the other that he or she is loved and lovable changes our whole mindset and focuses our energies on loving at a higher standard of success. We will live our marriage with more intentionality. We can ask the Lord for the specific graces we need to bring His love as well as our own to our spouse.
2. Affirm each other as a man or woman every day.
Affirming the other lifts our own spirits and makes us feel grateful to have this man or this woman as our spouse. If we look for virtue, we will find it. It is not just that he or she is a “nice” person. It was their unique masculinity or femininity that drew us to them in the first place. When we affirm them as man or woman it resonates most clearly with their innate personhood and is the most powerful affirmation. Criticism is a cancer that kills marriages, and the best way to root out criticism is to actively affirm the other.
3. Love “smarter”.
Too often, we give the gift that we would want rather than what the other most wants and needs to feel “in love.” If we are to be a gift to each other, as Pope St. John Paul II suggests in his Theology of the Body, it helps to find out what our spouse would put on their “gift registry.” Is it eye contact? laughter? music? tender verbal sentiments? Learning what makes the other feel “in love” makes it easy to put a smile on their face. Want to try this? Take our 7-Day Real Connection Challenge!
4. Make love as something you are saying, not doing.
If we approach making love as something we are “saying” to each other rather than just an activity that we are “doing,” it becomes a powerful “language of the body” that speaks the total, permanent self-donation of our wedding vows. Ask yourself what you most want to say to the other before you make love. Then, make sure you say it verbally as well as non-verbally.
5. Be “spiritually naked” in prayer.
We are most open and true to ourselves in prayer. Allowing each other to overhear our sincere prayer is a spiritual nakedness that is profoundly bonding. When we also tell each other about our personal faith experiences and share our relationship with God, we deepen trust and achieve the most profound intimacy. Recent studies indicate that couples who share faith and belong to the same church have the lowest recorded incidence of divorce.
We’ll continue our list next week. If you want to learn more about any of these, join us for one of our skills courses, or one of our Weekend Immersions!
Ron and Kathy Feher, together with Fr. Chuck Gallagher, S.J, are founders of the PMRC (now EverMore in Love) and have authored all our programs. Parents of 10 children, they have been married over 50 years and have been joyfully living the insights and skills they share.
by Libby | Apr 16, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, Integrated Sexuality, Marriage Hacks
by Libby DuPont
I have a kiddo with a gluten intolerance. When he was younger, we spent a year doing a pretty strict elimination diet, which helped his behavior, learning, skin and allergies. While he’s back to eating all the things we once eliminated, we do try and keep them at a minimum. Recently, he was having some skin irritation. Initially, we considered switching all the products he was using that touched that skin. But then it occurred to me: he had recently been in an activity at school that provided dinner for a week straight: pizza (twice), subs, pasta- way more gluten than he was used to! After a few days back to his normal, more balanced diet, the irritation cleared up. Once we dealt with the inside, the outside worked itself out.
In our marriages, it can be the same. We spend so much time and energy looking on the surface of things, and just end up frustrated and disappointed. “Man looks at the appearance, but God looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 13:14) Let’s take three examples in marriage of how a look deeper can change everything.
Sex
Outside approach: When there is tension in the physical relationship between husband and wife, the world will usually approach it by examining the externals of the situation. Every time I check out at the grocery store, I see magazines attempting to help with this approach. “Seven new positions that will light a spark!” “The move that will make her beg for more!” If there is hurt, or restlessness or distance between husband and wife in their lovemaking, no amount of “spicing things up” will do the trick.
Inside approach: For sex to be fulfilling for spouses, we need to look beneath the surface. Our bodies and souls are integrated, so for lovemaking to bring us closer, both body and soul must be communicating to our spouse. We spend a lot of time in all our experiences examining the meaning and purpose of sex, because it is so fundamental to a healthy spousal relationship.
Daily annoyances
Outside approach: Your husband can come home from work, sit on the couch and not even see the huge piles of clutter all over the house. How can he just sit there with all that mess? Ugh, it’s so ANNOYING! We all have little situations like this with our spouses, whether it revolves around the dishwasher, how we fold the towels, or leaving the last drop of milk in the carton. When we focus on the behaviors themselves, they just keep getting more frustrating.
Inside approach: The solution to this is to look below the surface to the value that drives the behavior at hand. Maybe your husband comes home stressed out from work, and needs some decompression time before he could ever tackle cleaning. You, on the other hand, may find clutter itself to be stressful and would rather spend a few minutes picking up so that it doesn’t bother you later when you want to relax. Focusing on the value beneath our behaviors enables us to see the good in our spouse and will ultimately make their behavior less annoying, and a solution easier to agree upon!
Marriage Issues
Outside approach: Every marriage has issues. Serious ones, like addiction, infidelity or abuse often need professional help, but most run-of-the-mill things like taking each other for granted, being controlling, nit-picking or miscommunication can be greatly reduced by looking deeper. When these things come up between us, we often focus on them, which just causes us to notice them and mull over them, making it difficult to solve anything because we are so hurt!
Inside approach: If we focus instead on the mission of our marriage: to convince our spouse that he/she is loved and lovable, we are much more effective at eradicating little “issues.” An other-centered approach of looking at how I can minister to the heart of my spouse, with forgiveness, affirmation, and smart loving, goes much further than criticism. Also, if we look at what is happening when things are going right between us, we can switch our attention to these things. When the playful, romantic atmosphere of love is operative in our homes, it becomes way easier to solve any challenge that comes our way!
Want to take a look below the surface at your marriage? (Or take another?) Join us for one of our online or in-person events!
Brad and Libby DuPont have been married since 2003 and live in Overland Park, KS with their son and daughter. They have been involved in national leadership for EverMore in Love for several years, and Libby currently serves as Director. They are grateful for strong coffee, decent wine and the fact that they both found someone who laughs at their jokes (usually).
by EverMore | Mar 1, 2021 | Integrated Sexuality, Marital Spirituality, Marriage Hacks
by Kathy and Ron Feher
We know firsthand that you can live in love every day. Being in love is not a stage we grow out of. It is not about hormones or libidos. We can choose to be in love. There is a difference between loving and being in love. We love a lot of people we are only in love with one.
Top 5 Reasons to prioritize being in love in marriage:
When we are “in love” the work of marriage is fun! Nothing is difficult when we are in love, talking, spending time, making love. So it is smart loving and an economy of effort to focus first on nurturing that atmosphere of being in love so that it greases the skids for everything else. Too often we have it backwards; we focus on tasks and activities and problems that drains us. It is not rocket science to figure out what makes your wife or husband feel in love. Once you do then you just do it unilaterally and proactively and you both feel in love!
When we are in love our kids feel most secure, and we are most generous and patient with them. Also, if we want our children to wait for marriage we have to show them marriages that are worth waiting for!
- It invites more joy into our lives and evangelizes those around us.
A couple in love is the quintessential evangelizing event. Everyone is drawn to a couple in love that is why we all love weddings. The world needs to believe that love is possible and love is real. St. Augustine tells us that “Joy is the infallible sign of the presence of God “!
- It is our primary way to holiness in our vocation of marriage.
Falling in love is a conversion experience that it gets us out of our selfish self to care more about the other. Being in love makes us other centered which is profoundly holy. Pope Benedict teaches us that “authentic sexual ecstasy is an exodus from self”
- When a couple is in love in the Sacrament of Matrimony they reveal and manifest Christ’s love for the Church.
We are called to love each other as Christ loves the church, not just for our own sake but for the sake of those around us so they can understand and experience how Jesus loves them. Jesus does not just get along with us. He is passionately and intimately head over heels in love with us!
Ron and Kathy Feher, together with Fr. Chuck Gallagher, S.J, are founders of the PMRC (now EverMore in Love) and have authored all our programs. Parents of 10 children, they have been married over 50 years and have been joyfully living the insights and skills they share.
by EverMore | Feb 15, 2021 | Marital Spirituality, Marriage Hacks
by Libby DuPont
I have often heard husbands or wives, married a few years, lament that they just don’t have the same relationship with Jesus they were able to have as a young single. This is true. A young, single person may have had hours free to spend at Adoration or daily Mass, the married person now may have a demanding work schedule, meals to cook and kids who don’t sleep. But luckily, Jesus doesn’t want the same kind of relationship we used to have as single people! He wants to meet us right where we are, and He wants to use our joyful, passionate marriage to bring us closer into relationship with Him.
As a result, we need to approach everything in our spiritual lives through the lens of our vocation. This means that our Lent may look different than it did when we were single, but that’s good! Let yourself off the hook for endless hours of prayer and harsh fasting if those things no longer suit your state of life. Instead, here’s some ideas on living Lent as a husband or wife.
Prayer
– If you’ve never prayed together before, try it! A simple, memorized prayer or blessing before bed is a good place to start.
– Meet up for a daily Mass, Stations of the Cross or time of Adoration during the week.
– Set your phone alarms to remind you to pray that God would show you what your spouse most needs.
Fasting
– Plan a date night where you do all your spouse’s favorite things (the ones that aren’t yours!)
– Give up a treat and spend that money on your spouse.
– Let your spouse have control of the remote, the radio station or the menu… whatever he/she normally does not get to pick.
Almsgiving
– Learn your spouse’s preferred means of receiving love and then do it like it’s your job! (Things like affirmation, affection, listening, small, thoughtful gifts, time spent together.)
– Perform some service for others TOGETHER. The witness of your love is a double blessing.
Brad and Libby DuPont work for the Archdiocese of Kansas City in Kansas, and are the directors of EverMore in Love. They have been married for 17 years, and live in Overland Park, KS. They love a good cup of coffee, a decent glass of wine and the occasional living room dance party.
