by Libby | Sep 9, 2022 | EverMore Mindset, Marriage Hacks
by Libby DuPont
It’s back to school season, so we’re busy getting kids acclimated to new routines. But let’s face it: isn’t every season busy? It’s easy to trick ourselves into thinking that we will spend quality time with our spouse once things slow down. But, when exactly will that be? The truth is, that great majority of our marriages will be spent in the day-to-day stressors, the ordinary business of life. If we aren’t intentional about making time for one another now while things are busy, we will be strangers by the time they “settle down.”
This is not meant to add to our already-too-long to-do list, or to make ourselves feel guilty about dropping the ball on another thing. Spending time with our spouses is as important as eating, sleeping and showering. Just because we don’t always get the amount or quality of these things doesn’t mean we give up on them entirely! Here’s a few ideas for connecting in the midst of the craziness:
- Once a week, choose an errand to run together. This provides time to chat and lets the person who normally doesn’t do that task a window into the other spouse’s reality.
- Do a chore together. Similar to the last suggestion, this provides an opportunity to turn cleaning, yard work or folding laundry into a chance to spend time together.
- Get up or go to bed at the same time. Then, add 10-15 minutes of snuggling, sharing feelings and/or prayer to that routine. Since you do these every day, it’s an easy way to form a habit of connection.
- Create a “Welcome Home” ritual. Even 5-10 minutes of undivided attention at the end of a long workday can do wonders!
- Share a book or podcast. Even if you can’t listen or read at the same time, taking in the same story or information can be great material for discussion later when you do have time, and will turn your thoughts toward your spouse throughout the day.
- Embrace the “micro-date”. Not every date needs to be a romantic weekend away! Go for a walk around the block while the kids clean up dinner. Grab take-out and enjoy it on a blanket at the park during a kid’s practice. Grab flowers for her and spend 2 minutes affirming her beauty. Rub his shoulders while you nag the children to finish eating dinner. Hold hands in the parking lot.
- Put each other on the schedule. We schedule what’s important: doctor appointments, mortgage payments, oil changes– and our marriages are far more precious! Decide together how often you want spend dedicated time together and put it on the calendar. If you can manage the childcare, try for an annual weekend retreat and monthly date night (at home or out). Then don’t feel guilty for sticking to your plan!
Ultimately, we want the time we spend together to be the fuel that keeps us going on our most stressful days. So let’s get to it!
Ready to book some intentional time with your love? Find a Weekend Immersion or Skills Course near you!
by Libby | Feb 28, 2022 | EverMore Mindset, Marital Spirituality
by Libby DuPont
Lent is a beautiful time to grow closer to God, but it looks different for married people than it did when we were single. Here’s some DOs and DON’Ts to help make your Lent a success:
DO consider what will bring you closer to your spouse.
Growing in love for your spouse is the primary way that God will draw you to himself. So, while things like giving up chocolate or taking extra prayer time are wonderful, you can also grow in holiness by going on a date with your spouse or learning how to communicate better.
DON’T take on a penance that will make life miserable for your spouse.
Does giving up coffee make you mean? Will attending an extra Bible study leave your already-stressed-out spouse to handle the kids alone? Will that service project take you away from a project your spouse has been asking you to do forever? If so, consider something else!
DO think about praying, fasting and giving alms TO and FOR your spouse.
Who is better candidate to pray and fast for your spouse than you? Also, consider giving extra time, attention, affection or small, thoughtful gifts to your beloved. Try the trifecta: skip a lunch or treat (fasting), offer it for your spouse’s intentions (prayer) and spend the money on something that will make your spouse feel loved (alms)!
DON’T think that Lent needs to be all doom and gloom to be successful- some of the best alms you can give are a joyful attitude!
St. Augustine said, “Joy is the infallible sign of the presence of God.” A great attitude will bless the whole house!
DO consider praying together.
Start from wherever you are (even if you have never prayed before, just say a Hail Mary together!), and challenge yourselves to go deeper.
DON’T be tempted to develop parallel spiritual journeys that you never share.
Our faith in God (even if we have no faith at all) is a deeply personal part of us, and it helps to shape our values and worldview. If we never share such an important part of ourselves, our relationship is doomed to be superficial.
DON’T fast from time spent loving your spouse (ie date night).
You are allowed to have fun with your spouse during Lent, especially if it brings you closer. Consider turning off TV and investing in something new like taking a walk, playing a game, listening to music or reading together.
DO remember that romance and affection are HOLY!
Being “in love” is a profoundly holy disposition of soul. When we are romantic and affectionate toward our spouse, we are more patient, more forgiving, less critical and more generous.
Join us this Lent for a Weekend Immersion, or for our upcoming online Smart Loving Date Nights!
by Libby | Jul 12, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, Marriage Hacks
by Ron & Kathy Feher
Summer love stories aren’t just for movies, songs and teenagers! Being in love is not a phase we are meant to grow out of, but to grow ever more into. In this second part, we talk about 5 MORE ways to fall in love all over again with your spouse… in a way that will last all year!
6. Nurture the atmosphere of being “in love.”
We love a lot of people, but we are “in love” with only one. Being “in love” is what makes marriage unique and exclusive. When we prioritize nurturing the atmosphere of being in love, we are fueled for all our other responsibilities. Otherwise, marriage is too much “work.” We can “flirt” before we speak, remind ourselves of what is most attractive about the other, and reconnect with all our memories of being in love. It is more effective to pray for passion than patience.
7. Relate, don’t debate.
The issue is not the issue. “We” are the issue. When we focus on each other, we can feel emotionally connected, even in areas where we are conflicted, if we suspend judgments and opinions and simply describe the emotions we are feeling. We can encourage the other to relate to a time when they may have felt the same way. Describing our feelings in writing can help us to get in touch with more than we would share just by speaking.
8. Never go to be angry.
Anger can replay in our minds and cause more distance and hurt than the original offense. Learning to reconcile hurts promptly and well can actually bring a couple closer than before the incident. The experience can teach us how to love the other better and help us grow in humility and sensitivity. Love means saying more than just, “I’m sorry.” It requires trust and vulnerability to say, “Will you please forgive me?” Reconciling well is a fundamental act of recommitment that strengthens the bonds of love.
9. Be a couple first.
Consider what is in the best interest of the marriage – before you parent, work, play, or relate to friends. In making decisions, consider what will absolutely advance our coupleness. That is always God’s plan for us. The truth is that nothing is more important than our marriage. Our own happiness and our children’s happiness absolutely depend on it. If we are not growing closer, we are growing apart.
10. Be a “living sign.”
Couples set the level of love in their homes and in their community. They also reveal and make manifest the passionate, intimate, permanent, and life-giving love that Christ has for the church. When a husband and wife are in love and allow that love to be visible, everyone around them and especially their children will experience God in a real and tangible way. The realization that others are depending on us motivates us not to take our love for granted or settle for just getting along. Jesus does not just “get along” with us.
If you want to learn more about any of these, join us for one of our skills courses, or one of our Weekend Immersions!
Ron and Kathy Feher, together with Fr. Chuck Gallagher, S.J, are founders of the PMRC (now EverMore in Love) and have authored all our programs. Parents of 10 children, they have been married over 50 years and have been joyfully living the insights and skills they share.
by Libby | May 10, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, Integrated Sexuality, Marital Spirituality
by Libby DuPont
We were sitting at the table eating breakfast on one of the first Spring days warm enough to have the windows open, enjoying the chorus of birds in our yard. I was reflecting on how much joy it brings me to hear that sound of new life after the long, silent winter, when it occurred to me: Why don’t I ever notice when the birds leave?
We had the same experience several years ago in our marriage at our first Weekend Immersion. When we left on Sunday afternoon, it felt like the birds were singing, the warm breeze was blowing and our marriage was alive with new possibilities. We had been married 8 years at that point, and by no means was our marriage in trouble. Still, there was a spring in our step and a lightness of heart that we had on our wedding day, that had somehow gotten lost along the way. The scary part is that, like the birds, we didn’t notice it was gone until it reappeared.
This is part of what’s behind the name EverMore in Love.
Relationship is dynamic. If we’re not growing closer, we’re growing further apart. And honestly, if we are slowly drifting apart, we often don’t notice until there are serious hurts between us. So why not focus our efforts on trying to be intentional about growing closer? What if we measured the success of any given day, week or year with the answer to a simple question: Am I more in love with my spouse now than I was then? Am I more attentive and generous? Do I understand more about his/her interior self? Have I affirmed him/her more? Are we more playful, more flirtatious, more appreciative?
The best thing about marriage in the Catholic Church is that it’s a sacrament. With sacraments, there’s never just more, but ever more! We would be horrified if we went to Reconciliation and were told there was a shortage of grace, so we needed to pick just one or two sins to be forgiven. Or, imagine getting to the front of the Communion line and being told that the guy in front of you used up the last of the graces. Ridiculous! Yet, when we settle for “just getting along” with our spouse, we are selling short the graces of the Sacrament of Matrimony in the same way.
That we have been entrusted with a sacrament is an astonishing gift, one that we rightfully respond to with wonder. Since we are married not to an idea, but an actual person, this wonder is rightly directed toward someone, toward our spouse! And what is “wonder” but going beyond love to being “in love”?
Just as we approach God for ever more patience, or humility or generosity in general, we can go to him and ask to be ever more in love with our spouse. That’s what we’re about around here. We hope you will join us in this noble pursuit!
Brad and Libby DuPont have been married since 2003 and live in Overland Park, KS with their son and daughter. They have been involved in national leadership for EverMore in Love for several years, and Libby currently serves as Director. They are grateful for strong coffee, decent wine and the fact that they both found someone who laughs at their jokes (usually).
by Libby | Apr 16, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, Integrated Sexuality, Marriage Hacks
by Libby DuPont
I have a kiddo with a gluten intolerance. When he was younger, we spent a year doing a pretty strict elimination diet, which helped his behavior, learning, skin and allergies. While he’s back to eating all the things we once eliminated, we do try and keep them at a minimum. Recently, he was having some skin irritation. Initially, we considered switching all the products he was using that touched that skin. But then it occurred to me: he had recently been in an activity at school that provided dinner for a week straight: pizza (twice), subs, pasta- way more gluten than he was used to! After a few days back to his normal, more balanced diet, the irritation cleared up. Once we dealt with the inside, the outside worked itself out.
In our marriages, it can be the same. We spend so much time and energy looking on the surface of things, and just end up frustrated and disappointed. “Man looks at the appearance, but God looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 13:14) Let’s take three examples in marriage of how a look deeper can change everything.
Sex
Outside approach: When there is tension in the physical relationship between husband and wife, the world will usually approach it by examining the externals of the situation. Every time I check out at the grocery store, I see magazines attempting to help with this approach. “Seven new positions that will light a spark!” “The move that will make her beg for more!” If there is hurt, or restlessness or distance between husband and wife in their lovemaking, no amount of “spicing things up” will do the trick.
Inside approach: For sex to be fulfilling for spouses, we need to look beneath the surface. Our bodies and souls are integrated, so for lovemaking to bring us closer, both body and soul must be communicating to our spouse. We spend a lot of time in all our experiences examining the meaning and purpose of sex, because it is so fundamental to a healthy spousal relationship.
Daily annoyances
Outside approach: Your husband can come home from work, sit on the couch and not even see the huge piles of clutter all over the house. How can he just sit there with all that mess? Ugh, it’s so ANNOYING! We all have little situations like this with our spouses, whether it revolves around the dishwasher, how we fold the towels, or leaving the last drop of milk in the carton. When we focus on the behaviors themselves, they just keep getting more frustrating.
Inside approach: The solution to this is to look below the surface to the value that drives the behavior at hand. Maybe your husband comes home stressed out from work, and needs some decompression time before he could ever tackle cleaning. You, on the other hand, may find clutter itself to be stressful and would rather spend a few minutes picking up so that it doesn’t bother you later when you want to relax. Focusing on the value beneath our behaviors enables us to see the good in our spouse and will ultimately make their behavior less annoying, and a solution easier to agree upon!
Marriage Issues
Outside approach: Every marriage has issues. Serious ones, like addiction, infidelity or abuse often need professional help, but most run-of-the-mill things like taking each other for granted, being controlling, nit-picking or miscommunication can be greatly reduced by looking deeper. When these things come up between us, we often focus on them, which just causes us to notice them and mull over them, making it difficult to solve anything because we are so hurt!
Inside approach: If we focus instead on the mission of our marriage: to convince our spouse that he/she is loved and lovable, we are much more effective at eradicating little “issues.” An other-centered approach of looking at how I can minister to the heart of my spouse, with forgiveness, affirmation, and smart loving, goes much further than criticism. Also, if we look at what is happening when things are going right between us, we can switch our attention to these things. When the playful, romantic atmosphere of love is operative in our homes, it becomes way easier to solve any challenge that comes our way!
Want to take a look below the surface at your marriage? (Or take another?) Join us for one of our online or in-person events!
Brad and Libby DuPont have been married since 2003 and live in Overland Park, KS with their son and daughter. They have been involved in national leadership for EverMore in Love for several years, and Libby currently serves as Director. They are grateful for strong coffee, decent wine and the fact that they both found someone who laughs at their jokes (usually).
