by Libby | Sep 9, 2022 | EverMore Mindset, Marriage Hacks
by Libby DuPont
It’s back to school season, so we’re busy getting kids acclimated to new routines. But let’s face it: isn’t every season busy? It’s easy to trick ourselves into thinking that we will spend quality time with our spouse once things slow down. But, when exactly will that be? The truth is, that great majority of our marriages will be spent in the day-to-day stressors, the ordinary business of life. If we aren’t intentional about making time for one another now while things are busy, we will be strangers by the time they “settle down.”
This is not meant to add to our already-too-long to-do list, or to make ourselves feel guilty about dropping the ball on another thing. Spending time with our spouses is as important as eating, sleeping and showering. Just because we don’t always get the amount or quality of these things doesn’t mean we give up on them entirely! Here’s a few ideas for connecting in the midst of the craziness:
- Once a week, choose an errand to run together. This provides time to chat and lets the person who normally doesn’t do that task a window into the other spouse’s reality.
- Do a chore together. Similar to the last suggestion, this provides an opportunity to turn cleaning, yard work or folding laundry into a chance to spend time together.
- Get up or go to bed at the same time. Then, add 10-15 minutes of snuggling, sharing feelings and/or prayer to that routine. Since you do these every day, it’s an easy way to form a habit of connection.
- Create a “Welcome Home” ritual. Even 5-10 minutes of undivided attention at the end of a long workday can do wonders!
- Share a book or podcast. Even if you can’t listen or read at the same time, taking in the same story or information can be great material for discussion later when you do have time, and will turn your thoughts toward your spouse throughout the day.
- Embrace the “micro-date”. Not every date needs to be a romantic weekend away! Go for a walk around the block while the kids clean up dinner. Grab take-out and enjoy it on a blanket at the park during a kid’s practice. Grab flowers for her and spend 2 minutes affirming her beauty. Rub his shoulders while you nag the children to finish eating dinner. Hold hands in the parking lot.
- Put each other on the schedule. We schedule what’s important: doctor appointments, mortgage payments, oil changes– and our marriages are far more precious! Decide together how often you want spend dedicated time together and put it on the calendar. If you can manage the childcare, try for an annual weekend retreat and monthly date night (at home or out). Then don’t feel guilty for sticking to your plan!
Ultimately, we want the time we spend together to be the fuel that keeps us going on our most stressful days. So let’s get to it!
Ready to book some intentional time with your love? Find a Weekend Immersion or Skills Course near you!
by Libby | Feb 28, 2022 | EverMore Mindset, Marital Spirituality
by Libby DuPont
Lent is a beautiful time to grow closer to God, but it looks different for married people than it did when we were single. Here’s some DOs and DON’Ts to help make your Lent a success:
DO consider what will bring you closer to your spouse.
Growing in love for your spouse is the primary way that God will draw you to himself. So, while things like giving up chocolate or taking extra prayer time are wonderful, you can also grow in holiness by going on a date with your spouse or learning how to communicate better.
DON’T take on a penance that will make life miserable for your spouse.
Does giving up coffee make you mean? Will attending an extra Bible study leave your already-stressed-out spouse to handle the kids alone? Will that service project take you away from a project your spouse has been asking you to do forever? If so, consider something else!
DO think about praying, fasting and giving alms TO and FOR your spouse.
Who is better candidate to pray and fast for your spouse than you? Also, consider giving extra time, attention, affection or small, thoughtful gifts to your beloved. Try the trifecta: skip a lunch or treat (fasting), offer it for your spouse’s intentions (prayer) and spend the money on something that will make your spouse feel loved (alms)!
DON’T think that Lent needs to be all doom and gloom to be successful- some of the best alms you can give are a joyful attitude!
St. Augustine said, “Joy is the infallible sign of the presence of God.” A great attitude will bless the whole house!
DO consider praying together.
Start from wherever you are (even if you have never prayed before, just say a Hail Mary together!), and challenge yourselves to go deeper.
DON’T be tempted to develop parallel spiritual journeys that you never share.
Our faith in God (even if we have no faith at all) is a deeply personal part of us, and it helps to shape our values and worldview. If we never share such an important part of ourselves, our relationship is doomed to be superficial.
DON’T fast from time spent loving your spouse (ie date night).
You are allowed to have fun with your spouse during Lent, especially if it brings you closer. Consider turning off TV and investing in something new like taking a walk, playing a game, listening to music or reading together.
DO remember that romance and affection are HOLY!
Being “in love” is a profoundly holy disposition of soul. When we are romantic and affectionate toward our spouse, we are more patient, more forgiving, less critical and more generous.
Join us this Lent for a Weekend Immersion, or for our upcoming online Smart Loving Date Nights!
by Libby | Jul 12, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, Marriage Hacks
by Ron & Kathy Feher
Summer love stories aren’t just for movies, songs and teenagers! Being in love is not a phase we are meant to grow out of, but to grow ever more into. In this second part, we talk about 5 MORE ways to fall in love all over again with your spouse… in a way that will last all year!
6. Nurture the atmosphere of being “in love.”
We love a lot of people, but we are “in love” with only one. Being “in love” is what makes marriage unique and exclusive. When we prioritize nurturing the atmosphere of being in love, we are fueled for all our other responsibilities. Otherwise, marriage is too much “work.” We can “flirt” before we speak, remind ourselves of what is most attractive about the other, and reconnect with all our memories of being in love. It is more effective to pray for passion than patience.
7. Relate, don’t debate.
The issue is not the issue. “We” are the issue. When we focus on each other, we can feel emotionally connected, even in areas where we are conflicted, if we suspend judgments and opinions and simply describe the emotions we are feeling. We can encourage the other to relate to a time when they may have felt the same way. Describing our feelings in writing can help us to get in touch with more than we would share just by speaking.
8. Never go to be angry.
Anger can replay in our minds and cause more distance and hurt than the original offense. Learning to reconcile hurts promptly and well can actually bring a couple closer than before the incident. The experience can teach us how to love the other better and help us grow in humility and sensitivity. Love means saying more than just, “I’m sorry.” It requires trust and vulnerability to say, “Will you please forgive me?” Reconciling well is a fundamental act of recommitment that strengthens the bonds of love.
9. Be a couple first.
Consider what is in the best interest of the marriage – before you parent, work, play, or relate to friends. In making decisions, consider what will absolutely advance our coupleness. That is always God’s plan for us. The truth is that nothing is more important than our marriage. Our own happiness and our children’s happiness absolutely depend on it. If we are not growing closer, we are growing apart.
10. Be a “living sign.”
Couples set the level of love in their homes and in their community. They also reveal and make manifest the passionate, intimate, permanent, and life-giving love that Christ has for the church. When a husband and wife are in love and allow that love to be visible, everyone around them and especially their children will experience God in a real and tangible way. The realization that others are depending on us motivates us not to take our love for granted or settle for just getting along. Jesus does not just “get along” with us.
If you want to learn more about any of these, join us for one of our skills courses, or one of our Weekend Immersions!
Ron and Kathy Feher, together with Fr. Chuck Gallagher, S.J, are founders of the PMRC (now EverMore in Love) and have authored all our programs. Parents of 10 children, they have been married over 50 years and have been joyfully living the insights and skills they share.
by Ron | Jun 3, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, Marriage Hacks
by Ron & Kathy Feher
Summer love stories aren’t just for movies, songs and teenagers! Being in love is not a phase we are meant to grow out of, but to grow ever more into. Here’s a few tips on how to fall in love this summer– more deeply with your spouse! (Fun fact: these tips work in the other seasons, too!)
- Approach marriage as a proactive “vocation”.
Seeing marriage as a proactive and unilateral mission to convince the other that he or she is loved and lovable changes our whole mindset and focuses our energies on loving at a higher standard of success. We will live our marriage with more intentionality. We can ask the Lord for the specific graces we need to bring His love as well as our own to our spouse.
2. Affirm each other as a man or woman every day.
Affirming the other lifts our own spirits and makes us feel grateful to have this man or this woman as our spouse. If we look for virtue, we will find it. It is not just that he or she is a “nice” person. It was their unique masculinity or femininity that drew us to them in the first place. When we affirm them as man or woman it resonates most clearly with their innate personhood and is the most powerful affirmation. Criticism is a cancer that kills marriages, and the best way to root out criticism is to actively affirm the other.
3. Love “smarter”.
Too often, we give the gift that we would want rather than what the other most wants and needs to feel “in love.” If we are to be a gift to each other, as Pope St. John Paul II suggests in his Theology of the Body, it helps to find out what our spouse would put on their “gift registry.” Is it eye contact? laughter? music? tender verbal sentiments? Learning what makes the other feel “in love” makes it easy to put a smile on their face. Want to try this? Take our 7-Day Real Connection Challenge!
4. Make love as something you are saying, not doing.
If we approach making love as something we are “saying” to each other rather than just an activity that we are “doing,” it becomes a powerful “language of the body” that speaks the total, permanent self-donation of our wedding vows. Ask yourself what you most want to say to the other before you make love. Then, make sure you say it verbally as well as non-verbally.
5. Be “spiritually naked” in prayer.
We are most open and true to ourselves in prayer. Allowing each other to overhear our sincere prayer is a spiritual nakedness that is profoundly bonding. When we also tell each other about our personal faith experiences and share our relationship with God, we deepen trust and achieve the most profound intimacy. Recent studies indicate that couples who share faith and belong to the same church have the lowest recorded incidence of divorce.
We’ll continue our list next week. If you want to learn more about any of these, join us for one of our skills courses, or one of our Weekend Immersions!
Ron and Kathy Feher, together with Fr. Chuck Gallagher, S.J, are founders of the PMRC (now EverMore in Love) and have authored all our programs. Parents of 10 children, they have been married over 50 years and have been joyfully living the insights and skills they share.
by Fr. Chuck Gallagher, S.J. | May 20, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, Marital Spirituality, What is marriage?
by Fr. Chuck Gallagher, S.J.
The whole world is screaming for community. Everybody admits the need for community – from sociologists and academics down to the normal man on the street. No one can deny the tremendous heartfelt need for closeness, roots, involvement in the lives of others, and for a caring community. We all want to care for others and be cared for by others.
And that is what is held out by Jesus. That is what the Church is all about – to bring alive the statement of Jesus that we are to love one another as he has loved us.
But in order to understand this community of love we are called to be, we have to get back to St. Paul’s great mystery. That is our bedrock – that the way a husband loves his wife reveals how Jesus loves the Church. We need to look to Matrimony. We need to examine it and see that our married people understand their own significance.
One of our problems, though, is that we don’t have an adequate understanding of any vocation, never mind the vocation of Matrimony. We keep mixing career and vocation. For example, we make being doctor or a lawyer or a teacher a vocation. It’s not – it’s a career, and a very good and very beautiful career that offers the possibility of a high level of service in accordance with the Gospel. But service (or ministry) looms too large in our consciousness. It takes too big a place in our understanding of what being Gospel is. We think the prime, almost exclusive mission Jesus Christ has called us to, is one of service rather than one of love, or to be more fair about it, we’ve equated love with service.
Service can be and frequently is an expression of the love that exists between people, but the real love is the relationship we establish with one another and that is only symbolized by what we do for one another.
Really, there are only four vocations in the Church: Matrimony, Dedicated Single Life, Religious Life and Priesthood. Each one of these vocations is a unique way to love within the faith family. The fact is that a vocation doesn’t focus on what we do. It’s a call to a specific relationship to the rest of the faithful. It is this relationship with the people of the Church that is our call and it is this we have to spend our life to establish.
How we exercise our talents can be our career. It might be as a librarian, a teacher, a director of religious education, a counselor, a social worker or what have you. Career or profession, then, concerns itself with ministry. Whereas vocation concerns itself with a way of life. Fundamentally, being a member of the Church is to commit myself to a way of life.
All too often, however, we look on vocation in terms of what we do: What do I do as a priest? What do I do as a sister? What do I do as a committed baptized-confirmed person? But that’s the second question. The first question and the basic one for the adult in the Church is: What fundamental relationship am I going to have with the people of God? As a celibate in Orders? As a celibate in community? As a married person? As a celibate lay person?
Only then can I ask myself: How am I going to spend that relationship in your midst? How am I going to spend my marriage? My Orders? My community? How am I going to express, in concrete terms, my relationship with my fellow believers? Whether that relationship is direct, such as priesthood, or indirect, such as marriage or religious life.
And when we grasp this idea of vocation, then we can begin to approach an understanding of the Sacrament of Matrimony and therefore of the Church.
Fr. Chuck Gallagher, S.J., was the founding director of the PMRC (now EverMore in Love). He was a compelling and prophetic voice in the Catholic Church for the Sacrament of Matrimony and the joy of the incarnation for over five decades, also founding Worldwide Marriage Encounter. This post is an excerpt of Fr. Chuck’s book, One Flesh
by Libby | May 10, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, Integrated Sexuality, Marital Spirituality
by Libby DuPont
We were sitting at the table eating breakfast on one of the first Spring days warm enough to have the windows open, enjoying the chorus of birds in our yard. I was reflecting on how much joy it brings me to hear that sound of new life after the long, silent winter, when it occurred to me: Why don’t I ever notice when the birds leave?
We had the same experience several years ago in our marriage at our first Weekend Immersion. When we left on Sunday afternoon, it felt like the birds were singing, the warm breeze was blowing and our marriage was alive with new possibilities. We had been married 8 years at that point, and by no means was our marriage in trouble. Still, there was a spring in our step and a lightness of heart that we had on our wedding day, that had somehow gotten lost along the way. The scary part is that, like the birds, we didn’t notice it was gone until it reappeared.
This is part of what’s behind the name EverMore in Love.
Relationship is dynamic. If we’re not growing closer, we’re growing further apart. And honestly, if we are slowly drifting apart, we often don’t notice until there are serious hurts between us. So why not focus our efforts on trying to be intentional about growing closer? What if we measured the success of any given day, week or year with the answer to a simple question: Am I more in love with my spouse now than I was then? Am I more attentive and generous? Do I understand more about his/her interior self? Have I affirmed him/her more? Are we more playful, more flirtatious, more appreciative?
The best thing about marriage in the Catholic Church is that it’s a sacrament. With sacraments, there’s never just more, but ever more! We would be horrified if we went to Reconciliation and were told there was a shortage of grace, so we needed to pick just one or two sins to be forgiven. Or, imagine getting to the front of the Communion line and being told that the guy in front of you used up the last of the graces. Ridiculous! Yet, when we settle for “just getting along” with our spouse, we are selling short the graces of the Sacrament of Matrimony in the same way.
That we have been entrusted with a sacrament is an astonishing gift, one that we rightfully respond to with wonder. Since we are married not to an idea, but an actual person, this wonder is rightly directed toward someone, toward our spouse! And what is “wonder” but going beyond love to being “in love”?
Just as we approach God for ever more patience, or humility or generosity in general, we can go to him and ask to be ever more in love with our spouse. That’s what we’re about around here. We hope you will join us in this noble pursuit!
Brad and Libby DuPont have been married since 2003 and live in Overland Park, KS with their son and daughter. They have been involved in national leadership for EverMore in Love for several years, and Libby currently serves as Director. They are grateful for strong coffee, decent wine and the fact that they both found someone who laughs at their jokes (usually).
