by Libby | Apr 16, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, Integrated Sexuality, Marriage Hacks
by Libby DuPont
I have a kiddo with a gluten intolerance. When he was younger, we spent a year doing a pretty strict elimination diet, which helped his behavior, learning, skin and allergies. While he’s back to eating all the things we once eliminated, we do try and keep them at a minimum. Recently, he was having some skin irritation. Initially, we considered switching all the products he was using that touched that skin. But then it occurred to me: he had recently been in an activity at school that provided dinner for a week straight: pizza (twice), subs, pasta- way more gluten than he was used to! After a few days back to his normal, more balanced diet, the irritation cleared up. Once we dealt with the inside, the outside worked itself out.
In our marriages, it can be the same. We spend so much time and energy looking on the surface of things, and just end up frustrated and disappointed. “Man looks at the appearance, but God looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 13:14) Let’s take three examples in marriage of how a look deeper can change everything.
Sex
Outside approach: When there is tension in the physical relationship between husband and wife, the world will usually approach it by examining the externals of the situation. Every time I check out at the grocery store, I see magazines attempting to help with this approach. “Seven new positions that will light a spark!” “The move that will make her beg for more!” If there is hurt, or restlessness or distance between husband and wife in their lovemaking, no amount of “spicing things up” will do the trick.
Inside approach: For sex to be fulfilling for spouses, we need to look beneath the surface. Our bodies and souls are integrated, so for lovemaking to bring us closer, both body and soul must be communicating to our spouse. We spend a lot of time in all our experiences examining the meaning and purpose of sex, because it is so fundamental to a healthy spousal relationship.
Daily annoyances
Outside approach: Your husband can come home from work, sit on the couch and not even see the huge piles of clutter all over the house. How can he just sit there with all that mess? Ugh, it’s so ANNOYING! We all have little situations like this with our spouses, whether it revolves around the dishwasher, how we fold the towels, or leaving the last drop of milk in the carton. When we focus on the behaviors themselves, they just keep getting more frustrating.
Inside approach: The solution to this is to look below the surface to the value that drives the behavior at hand. Maybe your husband comes home stressed out from work, and needs some decompression time before he could ever tackle cleaning. You, on the other hand, may find clutter itself to be stressful and would rather spend a few minutes picking up so that it doesn’t bother you later when you want to relax. Focusing on the value beneath our behaviors enables us to see the good in our spouse and will ultimately make their behavior less annoying, and a solution easier to agree upon!
Marriage Issues
Outside approach: Every marriage has issues. Serious ones, like addiction, infidelity or abuse often need professional help, but most run-of-the-mill things like taking each other for granted, being controlling, nit-picking or miscommunication can be greatly reduced by looking deeper. When these things come up between us, we often focus on them, which just causes us to notice them and mull over them, making it difficult to solve anything because we are so hurt!
Inside approach: If we focus instead on the mission of our marriage: to convince our spouse that he/she is loved and lovable, we are much more effective at eradicating little “issues.” An other-centered approach of looking at how I can minister to the heart of my spouse, with forgiveness, affirmation, and smart loving, goes much further than criticism. Also, if we look at what is happening when things are going right between us, we can switch our attention to these things. When the playful, romantic atmosphere of love is operative in our homes, it becomes way easier to solve any challenge that comes our way!
Want to take a look below the surface at your marriage? (Or take another?) Join us for one of our online or in-person events!
Brad and Libby DuPont have been married since 2003 and live in Overland Park, KS with their son and daughter. They have been involved in national leadership for EverMore in Love for several years, and Libby currently serves as Director. They are grateful for strong coffee, decent wine and the fact that they both found someone who laughs at their jokes (usually).
by EverMore | Apr 4, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, Integrated Sexuality, What is marriage?
by Brad DuPont
Recently I was remembering a time when my then my 5 year old daughter Maggie grabbed my hand while we were listening to the homily. I thought she just wanted to hold my hand, but I was wrong. She gave my hand to Libby, so we could hold hands during the homily. It deepened my realization that little ones want desperately for their parents to not only be together, but to be in love. It is sometimes easy to forget that one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to constantly strive to grow in our marriage no matter how good or not-so-good it already is. No matter where we are in our marriages, the natural instinct of my daughter, Magdalene can give us deep insight into the supernatural reality of this Easter Season.
Passionate marriages are the soil in which our kids grow best.
What is it about an in love married couple that gives so much security to our littles? I think it has something to do with the fact that a married couple is intended to be the very reflection and concrete experience of the love and goodness of God. Every married couple has the mission to be a window into the life and love of the Holy Trinity. If the reflection that the couple is intended to convey is somehow cloudy, then the very stability that confidence in God’s existence offers is clouded. Children want to believe that they come from love. If a child knows that their existence is the fruit of love, then they are confident that they exist for a reason.
We all know that children are created out of the love of God and that there is a reason for the creation of every child, but we as parents sometimes forget that we are supposed to be the living and tangible reminder every day to that reality by the way we love one another. It is not just about participating with God in the child’s creation, and then focusing on the child and figuring that our spouse is old enough and can take care of their own needs. When we intentionally choose to nurture the married relationship, we create the culture for a child to grow in a stable environment. If we were going to plant a garden, we would not be very successful if we did not tend to the soil. Passionate marriages are the optimal soil for the seed of children to flourish!
Talk about the Passion.
Yes, I said “passionate!” Some are scandalized by that word, so let me define my terms. When I say passionate, I am not talking about “an urgency to make love.” That is how the world defines it, and it is important to reclaim the language. When I say “passion,” I am talking about the type of passion that we celebrated on Good Friday. And no, I am not saying that marriage is torture! I am saying that the total self-abandonment of Christ on the Cross is the same self-abandonment that a married couple is called to have toward one another. The grace that was won on Calvary and offered through the Resurrection is made present to and through the Sacrament of Matrimony. John Paul II said it best when he said that married couples are a, “permanent reminder to the Church of what Christ did on the Cross.” (Familiaris Consortio).
The mystery of Christ’s Death and Resurrection is present in every home, and what a wonderful plan in the wisdom of God. God knew that the Blessed Sacrament would not be able to make it into every home, but through Baptism and Matrimony, his sacramental presence has the potential to reach every house and neighborhood.
Personal, but not private.
Our marriages are personal but not private. When we embrace the call to love one another as Christ loved the Church, we participate in the sanctification of the world. We can sometimes dismiss evangelization as a good idea that some people should do out there somewhere, or we wait around for our parish priest to form an evangelization committee. The reality is that when we love our spouse passionately, we evangelize our children, our communities, and participate in the redemption of the whole world.
I invite every married man and woman, most especially myself, to step up the level of love in our relationship this Easter Season. The grace is abundant, and when we take the time to prioritize our marriage, we are entering deeply into the mystery of Christ’s Death and Resurrection. If we enter into this mystery more deeply this Easter season, we will experience the power of Pentecost in a tangible way, and we will be a beacon of light in this world that struggles to see the path to authentic happiness.
Why not strengthen your marriage this Easter Season by doing something proactive for your marriage? A common mindset is that marriage retreats or workshops are for couples that are struggling, but this could not be farther from the truth. Healthy marriages intentionally “do something” for their marriage each year and don’t just wait until it gets bad in the same way that intentional maintenance on the family vehicle helps to avoid the need for bigger more costly repairs down the line.
We have both online and in-person events scheduled throughout the spring and summer. We’d love for you to join us for one!
Brad and Libby DuPont have been married since 2003 and live in Overland Park, KS with their son and daughter. They have been involved in national leadership for EverMore in Love for several years, and Libby currently serves as Director. They are grateful for strong coffee, decent wine and the fact that they both found someone who laughs at their jokes (usually).
by Libby | Mar 8, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, What is marriage?
by Libby DuPont
“Spouses are the permanent reminder to the Church of what happened on the Cross.” ~Pope St. John Paul II
Some things were just meant to go together. Peanut butter and jelly. Macaroni and cheese. Marriage and the cross. The cross is right there at the beginning. We vow to be true in good times and bad, sickness and health, richer and poorer. This makes sense, as we are signing up to love one another as Christ loves the Church, and in a fallen world, there is always sacrifice involved in true love.
But marriage itself is not meant to be the cross.
There is a narrative out there that suggests that falling in love is almost like a trap to get us to commit to one another. Then real-life sets in, and marriage becomes a cross that we drag behind us until we die. Any wonder many people are choosing not to marry?
It’s true that in some marriages, there are heavy crosses of addiction, abuse or infidelity. These are serious illnesses within a marriage that require serious treatment. But there are also less serious, “common cold” type sicknesses we endure within marriage we all encounter as well: misunderstandings, disagreements, taking one another for granted. These things don’t need to linger and make us miserable. Small, everyday frustrations do not need to equate to our marriage itself being a cross to endure!
When Brad and I attended our first retreat and the skills that followed, we had a good marriage. We loved one another dearly, and we were very well versed in our faith. But after 8 years, there were certain crosses we were beginning to accept as a permanent part of our marriage. Our first Weekend Immersion experience was so transformative because it spoke a liberating truth to us: it doesn’t have to be that way.
Over the last 9 years, we have been privileged to attend so many more retreats, and to teach the skills we learned to hundreds of couples. Each time we hear the truths, every time we practice the skills in our own marriage, we become more convinced that our marriage truly is meant to be our refuge from the inevitable crosses of life. When a loved one dies. When the kids go through something difficult. When the world shuts down for a deadly virus… our sacrament becomes the well from which we draw the strength to meet life’s challenges.
Wherever you are in your marriage, we invite you to come on back and review some of the skills and insights we offer in our skills course!
Libby and Brad DuPont have been married since 2003, and live in Overland Park, KS with their two kids. They enjoy a strong cup of coffee, a decent glass of wine and the fact that they laugh at each other’s jokes when no one else does. They have been part of the national leadership team for EverMore in Love since 2017. Libby currently serves as Director.
by Fr. Chuck Gallagher, S.J. | Jan 3, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, Integrated Sexuality, Marital Spirituality
by Fr. Chuck Gallagher, S.J.
The average person couldn’t conceive of life without sex and would not want to do so. The fullness of their sexuality, though, is another story. We can easily take that for granted.
It is a given that we are a woman or man. We don’t deny our sexuality, but don’t think deeply about it, much less exercise it, unless we are in what we deem a “sexual situation.” Since the functions of an average day: working, getting kids out to school, fed and homeworked, shopping housework, etc, are not what we would normally look upon as sexual, we put that aspect of ourselves mostly into hibernation. We only become sexual when sex is on the horizon. It becomes the part of us we refer to after hours, when business and duties are done. It is not too strong to say that we become sexual zombies in our work-a-day worlds—that is, lifeless and asexual.
This is so diminishing for all, but most especially so, for the Matrimonied. Their vocation is sexual. That vocation should pervade their day, not something restricted to the time they are together, after all the chores. The Matrimonied are called to be the most sexual people in our society, obviously fully conscious of their femininity/masculinity because of whom they are to one another. For a husband or wife to be asexual, even in the most mundane activities, is a contradiction in terms. We don’t marry to be persons with one another. We marry to be sexual persons with each other. Our sexuality should be enhanced by our state of life and become ever more real and dominant in our thinking about ourselves.
It can, and too often does happen, that once a couple marries, they become less obviously sexual to themselves and others. This should be the reverse. Being called to a fully sexual way of life, which is the Sacrament of Matrimony, should call forth the fullness of the person’s sexuality, in all dimensions of their life. Their masculinity and femininity should be the most obvious thing about them, to all they meet and the most evident aspect of themselves to themselves.
Sexuality is powerful and our Father uses that power to draw out the godliness within us. We are at our best. We are most pleased with ourselves, not only because we have someone who thinks we are the moon and stars, who puts their whole concentration into pleasing us but because we are able to please them. The world, which was so small when I was the main inhabitant, now has become a galaxy. I have a magnificent purpose in life, which no one else can accomplish: to make this beloved person the happiest person on the face of the earth. My total awareness of self and others has been completely converted. It is truly a taste of paradise.
Fr. Chuck Gallagher, S.J., was the founding director of the PMRC (now EverMore in Love). He was a compelling and prophetic voice in the Catholic Church for the Sacrament of Matrimony and the joy of the incarnation for over five decades, also founding Worldwide Marriage Encounter. This post is an excerpt of Fr. Chuck’s book, The Passionate Couple.
