by EverMore | Apr 4, 2021 | EverMore Mindset, Integrated Sexuality, What is marriage?
by Brad DuPont
Recently I was remembering a time when my then my 5 year old daughter Maggie grabbed my hand while we were listening to the homily. I thought she just wanted to hold my hand, but I was wrong. She gave my hand to Libby, so we could hold hands during the homily. It deepened my realization that little ones want desperately for their parents to not only be together, but to be in love. It is sometimes easy to forget that one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to constantly strive to grow in our marriage no matter how good or not-so-good it already is. No matter where we are in our marriages, the natural instinct of my daughter, Magdalene can give us deep insight into the supernatural reality of this Easter Season.
Passionate marriages are the soil in which our kids grow best.
What is it about an in love married couple that gives so much security to our littles? I think it has something to do with the fact that a married couple is intended to be the very reflection and concrete experience of the love and goodness of God. Every married couple has the mission to be a window into the life and love of the Holy Trinity. If the reflection that the couple is intended to convey is somehow cloudy, then the very stability that confidence in God’s existence offers is clouded. Children want to believe that they come from love. If a child knows that their existence is the fruit of love, then they are confident that they exist for a reason.
We all know that children are created out of the love of God and that there is a reason for the creation of every child, but we as parents sometimes forget that we are supposed to be the living and tangible reminder every day to that reality by the way we love one another. It is not just about participating with God in the child’s creation, and then focusing on the child and figuring that our spouse is old enough and can take care of their own needs. When we intentionally choose to nurture the married relationship, we create the culture for a child to grow in a stable environment. If we were going to plant a garden, we would not be very successful if we did not tend to the soil. Passionate marriages are the optimal soil for the seed of children to flourish!
Talk about the Passion.
Yes, I said “passionate!” Some are scandalized by that word, so let me define my terms. When I say passionate, I am not talking about “an urgency to make love.” That is how the world defines it, and it is important to reclaim the language. When I say “passion,” I am talking about the type of passion that we celebrated on Good Friday. And no, I am not saying that marriage is torture! I am saying that the total self-abandonment of Christ on the Cross is the same self-abandonment that a married couple is called to have toward one another. The grace that was won on Calvary and offered through the Resurrection is made present to and through the Sacrament of Matrimony. John Paul II said it best when he said that married couples are a, “permanent reminder to the Church of what Christ did on the Cross.” (Familiaris Consortio).
The mystery of Christ’s Death and Resurrection is present in every home, and what a wonderful plan in the wisdom of God. God knew that the Blessed Sacrament would not be able to make it into every home, but through Baptism and Matrimony, his sacramental presence has the potential to reach every house and neighborhood.
Personal, but not private.
Our marriages are personal but not private. When we embrace the call to love one another as Christ loved the Church, we participate in the sanctification of the world. We can sometimes dismiss evangelization as a good idea that some people should do out there somewhere, or we wait around for our parish priest to form an evangelization committee. The reality is that when we love our spouse passionately, we evangelize our children, our communities, and participate in the redemption of the whole world.
I invite every married man and woman, most especially myself, to step up the level of love in our relationship this Easter Season. The grace is abundant, and when we take the time to prioritize our marriage, we are entering deeply into the mystery of Christ’s Death and Resurrection. If we enter into this mystery more deeply this Easter season, we will experience the power of Pentecost in a tangible way, and we will be a beacon of light in this world that struggles to see the path to authentic happiness.
Why not strengthen your marriage this Easter Season by doing something proactive for your marriage? A common mindset is that marriage retreats or workshops are for couples that are struggling, but this could not be farther from the truth. Healthy marriages intentionally “do something” for their marriage each year and don’t just wait until it gets bad in the same way that intentional maintenance on the family vehicle helps to avoid the need for bigger more costly repairs down the line.
We have both online and in-person events scheduled throughout the spring and summer. We’d love for you to join us for one!
Brad and Libby DuPont have been married since 2003 and live in Overland Park, KS with their son and daughter. They have been involved in national leadership for EverMore in Love for several years, and Libby currently serves as Director. They are grateful for strong coffee, decent wine and the fact that they both found someone who laughs at their jokes (usually).
by EverMore | Mar 1, 2021 | Integrated Sexuality, Marital Spirituality, Marriage Hacks
by Kathy and Ron Feher
We know firsthand that you can live in love every day. Being in love is not a stage we grow out of. It is not about hormones or libidos. We can choose to be in love. There is a difference between loving and being in love. We love a lot of people we are only in love with one.
Top 5 Reasons to prioritize being in love in marriage:
When we are “in love” the work of marriage is fun! Nothing is difficult when we are in love, talking, spending time, making love. So it is smart loving and an economy of effort to focus first on nurturing that atmosphere of being in love so that it greases the skids for everything else. Too often we have it backwards; we focus on tasks and activities and problems that drains us. It is not rocket science to figure out what makes your wife or husband feel in love. Once you do then you just do it unilaterally and proactively and you both feel in love!
When we are in love our kids feel most secure, and we are most generous and patient with them. Also, if we want our children to wait for marriage we have to show them marriages that are worth waiting for!
- It invites more joy into our lives and evangelizes those around us.
A couple in love is the quintessential evangelizing event. Everyone is drawn to a couple in love that is why we all love weddings. The world needs to believe that love is possible and love is real. St. Augustine tells us that “Joy is the infallible sign of the presence of God “!
- It is our primary way to holiness in our vocation of marriage.
Falling in love is a conversion experience that it gets us out of our selfish self to care more about the other. Being in love makes us other centered which is profoundly holy. Pope Benedict teaches us that “authentic sexual ecstasy is an exodus from self”
- When a couple is in love in the Sacrament of Matrimony they reveal and manifest Christ’s love for the Church.
We are called to love each other as Christ loves the church, not just for our own sake but for the sake of those around us so they can understand and experience how Jesus loves them. Jesus does not just get along with us. He is passionately and intimately head over heels in love with us!
Ron and Kathy Feher, together with Fr. Chuck Gallagher, S.J, are founders of the PMRC (now EverMore in Love) and have authored all our programs. Parents of 10 children, they have been married over 50 years and have been joyfully living the insights and skills they share.
by EverMore | Feb 20, 2021 | Marital Spirituality
by Tom Callahan
Thomas Merton once gave a talk about living a life without cares. His premise was that, in the monastic life, the monk focuses his time and effort on loving God, and, in turn, God focuses his time and effort on loving the monk. As a result, the monk can enjoy a life without care, because God is taking care of everything for him.
While Merton was speaking in the context of a Trappist monastery, this same premise exists in the matrimonial vocation. We are children of God trying to love him through our commitment to our spouse. God, as our Father, will in turn love us and take care of everything for us. God wants us to delight in him, rely on him, and set the world on fire with his blazing love.
It’s worthwhile to step back and reflect on this wonderful gift. God loves us each individually, he has a specific call for each of us, and this call is more amazing and impactful than anything we could dream for ourselves. To be in relationship with Jesus Christ is to possess happiness.
Any relationship, married or otherwise, depends on good communication. Our relationship with God is no exception to this rule. As a result, prayer is essential. To pray, to love God and communicate with him, is our way of coming to participate in his call. It is our entrance point into the life without cares, and it is the foundational support enabling us to receive God’s help to live out the married vocation. God is our father and we are his children – he wants to hear from us, he wants to talk to us, he wants to be in relationship with us.
Everything we do has a ripple effect out into the world, far beyond what we can see. In this way, the world is depending on us to have a deep prayer life. We live in a world starving for love. It is increasingly marked by loneliness and an insidious despair that masks itself under the guises of freedom, activism, and self-determination. God sees this suffering and, by choosing us for matrimony, has given us a role to help cure the world’s problems. It is thus critical for us to understand that while prayer is about our relationship with God, it also is about other people. The world needs saints. It needs to know that it is possible to live in love, and what better way to do it than by witnessing the example of people who are doing just that. It can be said without exaggeration that a good prayer life is the root contribution to saving the world.
Often, our experience in prayer will be dry. In addition, we have our own brokenness and sinfulness. It can feel like God’s lofty call is not for us, that we are destined to fall short and settle for mediocrity. These negative sentiments are lies, and it is important that we reject them. Remember that God is our loving father. He knows us better than we know ourselves. If we trust him, persevere, and recognize our need for him, he will do everything for us. He will take us into his arms and lift us up into the heights of holiness.
Will we be able to see the fruits of prayer? It is important that we stay humble, and so, to a certain extent, God will blind us to the good fruit. Still, reflecting on our own marriage, we can offer a couple insights. We try to pray together daily, and the effect of this commitment has been a certain “gravitational pull” to the good. At one end, our relationship has become less susceptible to sinful distractions such as gossip, criticism, and general negativity. At the other end, it has been easier to commit to daily tasks such as chores and affirmation. In no way are we saying our relationship has no sin, and we are not saying it is easy to commit to the good – but our prayer lives have enabled God to lift us up regardless of the challenges imposed by life circumstances or our own weakness.
Tom and Theresa Callahan have been married since 2015. They have been mentoring the engaged through EverMore in Love since 2017. Tom works as an actuary and Theresa works as a caretaker. They live in Philadelphia.
by EverMore | Feb 15, 2021 | Marital Spirituality, Marriage Hacks
by Libby DuPont
I have often heard husbands or wives, married a few years, lament that they just don’t have the same relationship with Jesus they were able to have as a young single. This is true. A young, single person may have had hours free to spend at Adoration or daily Mass, the married person now may have a demanding work schedule, meals to cook and kids who don’t sleep. But luckily, Jesus doesn’t want the same kind of relationship we used to have as single people! He wants to meet us right where we are, and He wants to use our joyful, passionate marriage to bring us closer into relationship with Him.
As a result, we need to approach everything in our spiritual lives through the lens of our vocation. This means that our Lent may look different than it did when we were single, but that’s good! Let yourself off the hook for endless hours of prayer and harsh fasting if those things no longer suit your state of life. Instead, here’s some ideas on living Lent as a husband or wife.
Prayer
– If you’ve never prayed together before, try it! A simple, memorized prayer or blessing before bed is a good place to start.
– Meet up for a daily Mass, Stations of the Cross or time of Adoration during the week.
– Set your phone alarms to remind you to pray that God would show you what your spouse most needs.
Fasting
– Plan a date night where you do all your spouse’s favorite things (the ones that aren’t yours!)
– Give up a treat and spend that money on your spouse.
– Let your spouse have control of the remote, the radio station or the menu… whatever he/she normally does not get to pick.
Almsgiving
– Learn your spouse’s preferred means of receiving love and then do it like it’s your job! (Things like affirmation, affection, listening, small, thoughtful gifts, time spent together.)
– Perform some service for others TOGETHER. The witness of your love is a double blessing.
Brad and Libby DuPont work for the Archdiocese of Kansas City in Kansas, and are the directors of EverMore in Love. They have been married for 17 years, and live in Overland Park, KS. They love a good cup of coffee, a decent glass of wine and the occasional living room dance party.
by EverMore | Feb 5, 2021 | Marriage Hacks
by Theresa Callahan
Valentine’s Day is a great time to celebrate and show your love for your spouse, but for many of us it can be overwhelming to come up with ideas. If you still aren’t sure what to get your spouse for Valentine’s Day, Here’s some ideas based on Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages. Within these 5 languages there are infinite ways to express that emotional language, so not all of these will resonate with your spouse. But if you know your spouse’s primary Love Language, these ideas can help you come up with a personalized, thoughtful gift for your spouse.
Words of Affirmation
- A thoughtful love letter on special stationary.
- A romantic, personal poem or song.
- A book or slideshow of your favorite things about your spouse.
- Index cards listing all of his/her talents and things he/she has accomplished (personal or within your marriage).
- A video describing all the ways he/she succeeds in your marriage/family and all the ways you are grateful for your spouse.
- Place a whiteboard in your bedroom and write down a different affirmation each day so your spouse can see how appreciative you are.
Quality Time
- Get a babysitter and go out to dinner at a restaurant free from distraction. Talk about your hopes and dreams for the year.
- Order takeout from a favorite restaurant once the kids are in bed. Enjoy your special meal reminiscing about the early days of your relationship.
- Have a fancy cocktail hour and flip through photos from your favorite trips together.
- Take a walk or have a picnic and talk about your marriage. Ask how your spouse is feeling, what you can do better, and what works well in your relationship.
- Make your favorite snacks and watch a favorite movie or show together.
- Schedule a romantic weekend away, and don’t talk about the kids or family concerns the whole time.
Acts of Service
- Complete a project meaningful to your spouse, like creating photo books or organizing the garage.
- Make a coupon book of different chores/tasks your spouse normally does that you will do instead this month.
- Make his/her favorite dinner and dessert and set the table nicely.
- Let your spouse have free time either out of the home or uninterrupted at home. Keep away any distractions and hold down the fort.
- Make breakfast in bed, and do the dishes before your spouse comes downstairs.
- Hire someone to clean the house or do the yard work that week.
Physical Touch
- Going for a couples massage, or sending your spouse for a message or mani/pedi.
- Giving your spouse a massage with his/her favorite lotion
- Intentionally holding hands and rubbing your spouse’s back throughout the day.
- Buy a tactile gift, like fuzzy slippers, silk pajamas, or a cozy sweater.
- Dance in the living room or hold your spouse in your arms as you chat.
- Reserve time for skin-on-skin before or after love-making.
Gift Giving
- Something your spouse pointed out in a commercial, magazine, or saved on Pinterest.
- A special edition of his/her favorite book.
- Meaningful jewelry or a watch.
- Food, alcohol, or art from a place with special meaning, like your honeymoon or where you lived when you were first married.
- Something your spouse has always admired but would not spend the money on.
- A homemade gift with a special meaning, like personalized art.
The Love Languages are awesome, but as spouses we also want to go deeper, and convince our spouse that we are in love with him or her. Check out our 7-Day Real Connection Challenge to learn more!
Tom and Theresa have been married since 2015. They have been mentors to the engaged with EverMore in Love since 2017. Tom works as an actuary and Theresa works as a caretaker. They live in Philadelphia.
